Musings – Page 3 – Resisting Exile

21Mar 2018 by Linda Bayley

On stickers, and making choices

Every day on my wall calendar at work shows one of three things: a big O means that I wasn't there. A bright, colourful sticker means that I made it all the way to three o'clock without buying a snack. A great big X means, well, I didn't earn a sticker. In February, I had a few good weeks. In March, I have had a few bad ones. I can prove it; I can see it happening. The evidence is right there on the calendar. To me, each sticker represents a day filled with healthy choices. I ate only the food I brought with me to work, and it was healthy food, and I felt satisfied with it. It was a day where I was able to do the things…

09Mar 2018 by Linda Bayley

Remember this

Love, Musings

Remember this. Remember how, the first time you held her, she settled right into your arms, looked up into your eyes, and purred. Remember how it was Domino who wanted to be friends with the new cat, but she hissed and fought, until the day they called a truce and you found them on the couch, lying facing each other, nose to nose. Remember the things she taught him: how to use the scratching post (not just something to lean against), how to hurl one's entire tiny body at the bedroom door to open it (not that pathetic scratching and whining). Remember what he taught her: the cat version of ippon kumite, lunge for his neck, get batted down, get back up and try again. Always get back up and try…

06Mar 2018 by Linda Bayley

The rush of oncoming grief

Musings

My girl is having trouble. Her back legs have been giving out on her; her bladder has been betraying her dignity. I watch her struggle in that stubborn way of hers and I know that grief is coming. It is inevitable. The question that is plaguing me the most is, just how far away is that grief? I am night blind. I never cross a street at dawn or dusk unless I’m at a streetlight, because I just can’t tell how far away the approaching headlights are. They could be miles away; they could be a moment from erasing me. This is what it feels like. This grief that’s rushing towards me could be days away, or minutes. I’m hoping for years, of course, but I understand that’s not as…

04Mar 2018 by Linda Bayley

Those eggshells

Action, Musings

Today my friend JDS told me something that an earlier version of me would have found devastating: he likes my personalities, except for one. That would be the personality that carries the ammo purse, the personality he has to tiptoe around, even if he's trying to pay me a compliment. A compliment, in fact, was what brought that personality out today. I didn't take that compliment at face value; I looked under the surface, and believed I found sarcasm there, believed he was trying to hurt me. Like the mistrustful dog who turns and snarls when you hold out your hand, I snapped at him. If you've dealt with a person with BPD, you're nodding your head right now. You're saying, "Yes, I'm always walking on eggshells. I never know…

26Feb 2018 by Linda Bayley

On validation

Musings, Self-Esteem

In my last post, I wrote about how angry I used to get when my father would push my buttons, and how now I need more than anything for you to admit that I'm right, or have a very good reason why you won't. Until yesterday, I didn't understand the link between those two things; I only knew that it was there. But now I know what it was I was being denied, and what it is that I crave now. Validation. Yesterday, while roaming the internet, I came across this article on the Friends for Mental Health website. Sheryl Bruce provides an overview of a book written by Valerie Porr, and describes the ways in which children's feelings are invalidated: For example it could be that the behaviour of…

20Feb 2018 by Linda Bayley

Isaac Asinov

Musings, Self-Esteem

If, like me, you grew up in a certain time, surrounded by a certain kind of people, you knew who the ABC's of science fiction were. You knew that B stood for Ray Bradbury. You knew that C was for Arthur C. Clarke. And by God, you knew that A was for Asimov. Isaac Asimov. These weren't the only writers we idolized in our teens; Stephen R. Donaldson's Thomas Covenant books, for example, were big among my friends. We had Frank Herbert. We had R.A. Lafferty. These people opened our eyes to the untold riches of words and worlds, and we wanted to be writers, like them. But Mr. Isaac Asimov held a special place in my heart, because every month a magazine came out that bore his name, and contained…

17Feb 2018 by Linda Bayley

The issues

Musings

I'm afraid all the time. Afraid of offending somebody. Afraid of being politically incorrect. Afraid of expressing my opinion, or worse, having no opinion whatsoever to express. I know there's a lot going on in the world. I know that the man who shot Colten Boushie has been acquitted. I know that the man who shot Trayvon Martin was acquitted. I know that women all over Canada and the United States are gathering their courage to tell the world about the sexual abuse they have suffered at the hands of powerful men. These things hurt. These things are tearing our society to shreds. And I don't know what to do about them. I don't know what to say about them. But I feel like I should know, and I should…

04Feb 2018 by Linda Bayley

The spiral, hard and fast

Musings

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, you already know how this works. If you don't, buckle in now, because I'm going to take you through the sudden hard spiral I took earlier this week. How I got in It started at a bus stop. I was at the far end of town, a foreign country as far as I'm concerned, and the bus service there is terrible. On the way there, I got to talk to my favourite bus driver, catch up on the news, trade jokes, that sort of thing. I asked him what stop I needed to get off at for where I was going, and he told me. To get home, I stood at the stop across the street from where I had gotten off. I waited…

08Jan 2018 by Linda Bayley

The crack in the ice

Action, Musings

A few days ago, in a strange fit that was part sarcasm and part desperation, I asked JDS to tell me fourteen reasons why life was worth living. He told me that he would give me one reason per day for the next fourteen days. Reason One was a member of his family. Fair enough, I thought, and then felt guilty that in all of my casting about, family members didn’t present themselves to me as obvious reasons for living. That’s my illness though, and I need to not feel guilty about it. On my good days, my family members are the first things that I feel grateful for. But this wasn’t one of my good days. Reason Two was nowhere near as obvious as Reason One. Reason Two, for…

04Jan 2018 by Linda Bayley

Domino

Musings

Six years ago today, my best friend was so sick that he gave me a look, a very human look, that said, "I've had enough of this." And because I loved my friend very much, I brought him to the veterinarian who ended his pain, not quickly enough. Domino lived with me for seventeen and a half years, and I always believed that he had saved my life. The day I brought him home, I was on a day pass from the hospital, where I'd spent a few weeks after a second botched suicide attempt. I had no idea how to move forward, no idea how to start my life over again. But if I could learn how to take care of a cat, maybe I could learn how to…