Lately I’ve been feeling heavy. Not just physically heavy, though there’s that too. Emotionally heavy, mentally heavy, morally heavy. Imagine a sponge that has absorbed so much water that you think it can’t possibly hold any more. And then plunge that sponge deep into a bucket of bilge water, and weigh it down with a brick. That’s me. I am sponge heavy.
Part of it is coming from the relics of my past, some of which I have already discussed here. Part of it is coming from paying attention to the media, social and mainstream. Part of it is just the daily weight of living: pulling my exhausted body out of bed, plastering a smile to my face, pretending that I am not screaming in the echo chamber of my head. The parts all add up to a whole greater than I can carry, and I can feel myself collapsing, imploding, disappearing.
I haven’t given up completely, yet.
The other day I was listening to the Minimalists’ podcast about Organization. This is the podcast where Joshua and Ryan tell us that the best way to organize your stuff is to get rid of most of it. I don’t feel like I’m in a position to do that right now, but still, I listened with great interest.
I had a lightbulb moment while listening to Ryan tell a story about somebody he had once met. The gist of the story was that the man had told Ryan that everything you carry, you picked up.
I thought about this for a while. Was it true? Have I picked up everything that I now carry in my life?
Okay, so it’s true for most of the physical objects in my life. Some of these things are gifts, many of which I have kept out of guilt or sentimentality. Some of these things are papers or photographs that I have collected and keep in case I need them at some point. But most of these things I once weighed in my hands, standing in a store aisle somewhere, and said Yes to.
Would I say Yes to those things now? Do I need to keep saying Yes every time I walk past one of these objects in my house? This seems straightforward. I can ask these questions of the physical objects in my life. I can decide to say No, if it’s time to do that.
But what about the emotional weight? Did I pick all of this up myself? Did I say Yes to all of it?
I think the answer to those questions, in many cases, is No. I had ideas, attitudes, morals, and beliefs heaped upon me by people I trusted. I didn’t pick them up; they were thrust into my hands, shoved into my pockets. “You’re not good enough” tucked behind one ear. “You have to be the champion” tucked behind the other. “You can’t trust the Other” in a back pocket. “Sex is shameful” strapped on like a chastity belt. “You’re no beauty queen” draped over my shoulders, a mantle of insecurity and disgust.
I believed all of it. I absorbed it all, like a sponge, without ever making a conscious decision to say Yes.
And it’s all come down to today, when I looked in the mirror and realized I was so fucking sick of seeing myself looking back at me. I have been sick of seeing myself for days now, months. Sick, ashamed, disgusted, wishing I could just blot that person out.
Myself is all I’m ever going to see looking back at me though. Somehow, I have to change how that feels.
I don’t think it’s possible to just get rid of my emotional weight, not just like that. It’s not as simple as putting a teapot in a box and passing it along. But I’m thinking about doing an experiment. If I can pick up a physical object, I can put it down. Can I put down the emotional weight, even the parts that I didn’t pick up? Can I look at each drop of this poison and say No?
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I cannot say it better than Pam has already stated, Linda, but your last paragraph to me was very positive. You are thinking of doing an experiment, putting down the emotional weight, a part at a time. Think of it as making an “un-quilt,” and look at the beauty below as each part is removed. The pearl in the oyster starts as an irritating grain of sand. There must be many beautiful pearls in that “un-quilt!” Imagine!!