It’s been a long time since I’ve come to this space. Not because I haven’t had anything to say, but because I’ve had too much. And I’ve been afraid.
I think I’ve said before that I am terrified of offending anybody, but it’s even more complicated than that now. Every time I feel ready to speak, some part of my reality shifts, and I learn another new way that my world view has been incorrect all this time. And if I had spoken when I wanted to, I would have been in danger of being called out for something, any one of the isms that I am either unaware of, or don’t sufficiently understand. I would be found out as someone guilty of being a bad person, and that is not something that my mind, with all of its illness, could accept.
And so I have silenced myself. I have questioned whether I even deserve to speak, have the right to speak, have anything of value to contribute to the world. It’s true that I have experienced certain kinds of oppression, and I’m still trying to fight my way out from under many of my life experiences. But these things haven’t happened to me because of my skin colour, or my gender, or my sexuality, or my economic situation. What right do I have to say that my life has been a hard slog, when so many others have had it so much worse? What right do I have to express my pain, when it’s so likely that my various forms of privilege have caused pain to others?
I started writing this blog as a way to resist the exile that my mental illness was forcing me into. But by not using the blog, I have pushed myself further into exile than I was at the beginning. I can’t let this continue.
You don’t have to come on this journey with me. It will be long, and hard, and I am nowhere near woke yet. I will stumble, and I will fall. I may offend you. I don’t mean to, and I don’t want to. I am trying every day to grow and learn and think and evaluate and become.
I need to speak again. I will speak again. I am speaking.