I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts lately. So many things I’m thinking about, ideas to test, words to be spoken, but they seem to swirling around in my brain, with no one thought rising to the top long enough for me to capture it.
This worries me a little. I’ve had five good days in a row, after weeks of feeling like I was spiralling downwards. I’ve been hyper; I’ve been interrupting myself in the middle of sentences to get out other thoughts; I’ve been unable to hold conversations while doing menial tasks.
It feels like a crash is coming. Hyperactivity leads me to hysteria; hysteria leads me to unstoppable tears. Unstoppable tears lead me to self-harm, anything to make the feeling stop.
I don’t want to crash again. I have felt so good this week, and people have noticed me smiling. I don’t want to feel the darkness that wants to creep back in.
For some people, this business of acknowledging feelings comes naturally. For me, not so much.
I am acknowledging the feelings. I am resisting the darkness. I am resisting. I am resisting.
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