A few days ago, in a strange fit that was part sarcasm and part desperation, I asked JDS to tell me fourteen reasons why life was worth living. He told me that he would give me one reason per day for the next fourteen days.
Reason One was a member of his family. Fair enough, I thought, and then felt guilty that in all of my casting about, family members didn’t present themselves to me as obvious reasons for living. That’s my illness though, and I need to not feel guilty about it. On my good days, my family members are the first things that I feel grateful for. But this wasn’t one of my good days.
Reason Two was nowhere near as obvious as Reason One.
Reason Two, for JDS, was the crack that had formed in the ice on his swimming pool. He couldn’t define what about this crack made him feel happy, but he said it got a little bit bigger every day. I suggested that if he could figure out just what it was about that particular crack in the ice, he would have a poem.
Maybe, I said, it reminds you of the tectonic shifts that are coming in your own life.
Maybe, he said, it’s just a crack in the ice.
Of course, JDS will tell you that I don’t let go of poetic ideas that easily. And when he sent me a picture, I felt profoundly moved. This small marvel, this piece of beauty, this line in the endless poem that the universe is writing for us. My friend noticed it because he notices small, beautiful things.
Up until this most recent bout of depression, I was always on the lookout for the small, beautiful things. I carried a notebook; I didn’t leave home without a camera. Moments stretched into minutes while I searched every angle until I found the photograph that was waiting to be made; brisk walks became strolls while I tried to form my feelings into haiku. But lately… nothing. I have been too tired to do anything but hurry home, where things are easier.
Maybe it’s time to pick up those creative tools again, and find my own cracks in the ice. In the meantime though, I want to thank JDS for lending me the crack in his ice, just for a while, just until I can find my way again.
Photo courtesy of JDS
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