05Feb 2023 by Linda Bayley
Making Do

Making Do

Action, Affirmation, Self-Esteem
At the beginning of 2019 I made a public pledge not to buy any more new clothing for a year. At last count I had 43 t-shirts in my closet, and that doesn't count the shirts that I've set aside to alter or repair. I really don't need anything new. Four years into that automatically-renewing pledge, I have more or less held the line, and have only purchased new clothing that I couldn't make myself or wouldn't want to buy second hand: a bathing suit, a couple of sports bras, socks, and underwear. I have been given socks and two sweaters as gifts, and I purchased a pair of used jeans so I could learn how to hem them. I don't miss shopping for clothes. A few months ago I…
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12May 2021 by Linda Bayley
And Counting

And Counting

Affirmation, Stigma
Content Warning: suicide, and a tiny bit of blood I have been living on borrowed time for twenty-nine years. It was today, twenty-nine years ago, that I cut deep across my wrists with a razor blade, hoping that I would drift pleasantly off to sleep and not wake up. So, obviously, that didn't work out. But it might have, and so I have a blessing to count today. I was mocked for my attempt. I know this, because my suddenly-ex-boyfriend told me so. Word had gone around at school that I hadn't really meant it, because I cut crossways, and not lengthwise. Well, what did I know? I was eighteen, and that's always how they did it on television. Believe me when I say that I was sincere. Although I…
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10Jul 2019 by Linda Bayley

Extra Censory

Action, Affirmation, Uncategorized
It's been a long time since I've come to this space. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I've had too much. And I've been afraid. I think I've said before that I am terrified of offending anybody, but it's even more complicated than that now. Every time I feel ready to speak, some part of my reality shifts, and I learn another new way that my world view has been incorrect all this time. And if I had spoken when I wanted to, I would have been in danger of being called out for something, any one of the isms that I am either unaware of, or don't sufficiently understand. I would be found out as someone guilty of being a bad person, and that is…
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16Dec 2017 by Linda Bayley

Your Loved

Affirmation
  I want to tell you about what I saw yesterday. I'm trying not to use clichés, trying to come up with utterly original language to convey this amazing thing. I've finally decided that utterly original language is not what's needed here. I don't need to be perfect (although everyone with BPD needs to be perfect). I saw this sticky note on the wall of the bus I was riding. It took me a moment to understand what I was reading, but once I did, all I could think of was whether I could get a picture before I had to get off the bus. It was just about the most beautiful thing I'd seen all day. "Your Loved," the note said. The BPD brain said, "That's not how you…
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